Silent night, algorithmic fright: What if AI ran Christmas?

Digital marketers have spent the past few years grappling with AI – testing it, tweaking it, occasionally wrestling with it. It’s everywhere, which got us wondering: what if it ran Christmas too?

Imagine it. Santa trading his sleigh for a dashboard. Elves swapping toy-making for data entry. The North Pole running on performance metrics and keyword reports. Mince pies scored for engagement, and carols optimised for click-throughs. Even Scrooge would look up from his spreadsheet and grumble, ‘Bah, analytics!’

Ho ho ho? More like, Ctrl+Alt+Delete…

Presents would be ranked by engagement

In an AI Christmas, each gift would be rated for engagement: how fast it’s unwrapped, how loudly it’s applauded, and whether it makes Instagram by lunch. Socks, as ever, would flop spectacularly. Tech toys would dominate. Auntie Sue’s polite smile would remain the most reliable KPI of British festive satisfaction. Emotional ROI? Difficult to untangle (a bit like last year’s Christmas tree lights).

Tree decorations would be A/B tested globally

Speaking of which, the humble Christmas tree would run on global testing protocols. Baubles would be colour-tested by market: the UK sticking to red and gold (safe and nostalgic), Japan preferring minimalist metallics, and Brazil’s algorithm cranking up the sparkle for full samba. Our LIMEs would likely warn us that what’s considered tasteful in Tunbridge Wells could get you laughed out of Tokyo.

Santa’s delivery route would be optimised in real time

Thanks to AI routing, Santa’s global deliveries would become absurdly efficient. Every stop would be ranked for chimney access, snack quality, and reindeer parking. Santa would shave 32% off his journey time, though morale in the workshop would take a hit once Mrs Claus rolls out a KPI dashboard and starts assigning ‘festive spirit tasks’ in ClickUp. Rudolph would refuse to wear the new tracking collar, insisting he doesn’t consent to third-party cookie-style monitoring.

Carols would be rewritten for their viral potential

Traditional carols? Out. AI-generated jingles? In. All I Want for Christmas Is Content would crush the US, while Europe would sway to Deck the Halls with Data. Even Do They Know It’s Christmas? would be multilingual, hashtag-ready, and choreographed for TikTok duets. Boomers would mutter about 1984, insisting the original Band Aid was peak Christmas pop.

Dinner menus would be dynamically updated

Christmas dinner would be fully data-driven:

• Turkey vs nut roast vs goose vs Beef Wellington? Multivariate tested by postcode.
• Sprouts with pancetta or without? Social sentiment remains polarised.
• Pudding? The flaming version wins across demographics, despite a strongly worded memo from Health & Safety.

Family photos would be optimised for engagement

The family photo ritual would go fully programmatic. Smiles, lighting, and even the dog’s enthusiasm would be tweaked in real time. Boomers would demand ‘soft glow,’ Gen Z would scream for ‘neon sparkle,’ and everyone else would furtively eye the dwindling sherry. The algorithm would post each shot at peak engagement just as Uncle Geoff launches into a lecture on gravy etiquette and someone inevitably spills red wine over the tablecloth.

Christmas messages would be written by AI (and re-written by LIMEs)

Your Christmas cards would draft themselves, written in AI’s default tone: corporate, earnest, and unmistakably American. Our LIMEs would dutifully rewrite them in human. After all, “Wishing you a Q4 full of synergy and shareable deliverables!” is about as festive as a PowerPoint slide, isn’t it?

Let’s keep it real instead…

If Christmas were run by AI, it probably would be perfectly timed, flawlessly organised, and optimised down to the last Quality Street. But Tiny Tim would have missed all the fun: a heated row over Monopoly rules, Grandma telling the same story for the third time, and the collective groan at a dreadful cracker joke. All the messy bits that make Christmas memorable. So here’s to a Christmas with a bit of chaos, plenty of laughter, and just the right blend of humans (LIMEs included) and algorithms.